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[07 Jul 2005|10:12pm] |
ew. i'm being too safe about cutting now. the other night i was scared because i thought i cut too deep and it woudln't stop bleeding. then it did. its some little cut.
i want to go deeper. so i can get out of here.
i remember sitting in my room alone in westminster, thinking, listening to korn and just cutting away on my arms so deep that it hurt and throbbed but i kept on doing it. then i'd put on my coat and walk downstairs and ask mom what we were eating for dinner, like i couldn't feel that stinging pain beneath the surface..
life was hard. so hard. it feels like that now. so much.
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[26 Jun 2005|06:45am] |
i hate myself and i want to die.
so these are the effects of no sleep for one night. wonder what 2 nights would do, or 3 or 4. maybe i'll just collaspe and die. and ithink its because of these damned midol pills. periods are bitches its getting progressively worse, half of yesterday i laid down and moaned and cried and curled up and wanted to really die.
i'm going crazy. for real. really crazy. maybe this is a sign, of serious craziness.....or something. my heart is beating really fast. 0_0 all i've been watching is beavis and butthead and degrassi episodes. mmmm iwanna run outside get away from here. lack of excitement in my life. i'm tired of being straightedge and boring. i just wanna live and experience new things!!! i needto talk to someone right now because i can't contain this.
something. must. be. done.
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[24 Jun 2005|11:33pm] |
i think of blood i think of love....ERECTION! ooooh whoaaa oooh
hm. i guess i'm over that whole hateful stage. so i'm okay now. me and brady still chill, sorry brady if you read that last entry. i was um. mad.
i busted my knee and arm wed when i was riding my bike, volunteering is actually kinda fun cuz i'm out of the house.
beach maybe next weekend...DDR!
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[14 Jun 2005|12:39am] |
you know i knew these things would be nifty some day...
so old habits do die hard. i'm cutting again and avoiding sleep. my pills are useless. i'm a fucking vampire i sleep during the day and avoid the fucking sun.
no wonder noone wants to hang with me. i'm a depressed crazy freak.
this year has been full of losses. ha. i'm such a fucked up little girl.
nobody reads this so i can rant and complain and whine about nething i fucking want. brady broke up with me....i knew it wouldhappen someday and i hate choking up and crying like a little weak stupid girl.
it was all me btw, i can't satisfy neone. shit doesn't change. it was like last may when diego dumped my ass and i felt all shakey and was crying the whole fucking summer.
there i admitted it.
now. i know i can't be attached nemore. i mean. i'm so difficult and werid. people just hate me for who i am....
i want to be perfect for brady. i would kill myself and live all over again. just for him. i loved him. i want him to be happy.
i'm tired of playing games or wahtever. i'm tired of boys. of people. its like watching a fucking episode of Next or Room Raiders...everyones the same. everyone wants something everyone wants your sex. fuck sex. fuck adulthood.
nobody just breaks up. theres always someone. always. or something.
fuckk.. i'm tired of living. seriously. friday catherine told me she was suprised that i was stillalive even today.
me too. i should be dead. i don't deserve shit. and i hate myself for that.
and no. he. wants. to. be. friends. it will never ever be the same. no matter how hard you try.
i still want to hate you.
i feel like shit. tomorrow morning i'll feel like shit. and rest of my dreading summer. depression is good though. in a way. i think.
thanks for fucking me over, for fucking up my summer for fucking up my own perspective of "love."
thank you brady santos and fuck you.
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| sadie hawkins dance in my khaki pants theres nothing better... |
[08 Jun 2005|07:13pm] |
baby do you like my sweater!
Relient gay reminds me of jaime. i miss her. mannnn. well the concert was funn, christian moshpits are fucking crazy!!!
the signature of the bassist guy is smearing off my cd. dammits. :(
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
YoungThugNC: want me to dress like a punk rocker one day
YoungThugNC: with tite jeans my ramones shirt
YoungThugNC: but i wont have long hair anymore
ORRRGASSSSSMMMMMMM!!!!!!
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[03 Jun 2005|07:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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EMI-Sex Pistols |
] |
whoaaaaaa....fed wants us to all chill tomorrow and see lords of GAYtown. hah syke. this should be verrrrrry interesing.....
fed+nick+brady+me=disaster!
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[28 May 2005|06:01pm] |
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I am still a kid.
Finals are finally over! 2 days of skool left next week.
Mannnnn...I wish i could skate. So i can hang out with all the hip kids.
Bradyishotsexyshit.
This was totally pointless. oh wells.
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[24 May 2005|09:33am] |
| [ |
music |
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something by Underoath because they're my new favorite band. |
] |
man.
Cemeterys are so peaceful. I don't know why some people are so disturbed by the idea that I would actually like to spend my day there just walking around and sitting down.
hm. I enjoy the dead's presence more than actual people's. mesch would understand. i miss her. :(
sunday was abuleto's b-day so we visited him. I sat down and felt like talking to him. but everyone was around and crying, so i think it would be kind of awkard.
but for real. if i could. i would spend my days walking around the cementry reading the tombstones placing flowers on the empty ones. its just so tragic and lonely when i see these empty graves without any love....they're dead but they shouldn't be forgotten. damn. i really do hate the living.
Why i'm writing this entry: My period's late, i'm fucking paranoid, no school cuz i got no finals today and i have the whole fucking day to think about this shit in my head by myself and go insane. like i did last nite.
so i'm very emotional and werid right now. meh. piss offff.
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| i like friday the 13th because... |
[13 May 2005|07:16pm] |
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music |
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walk with the zombie-wednesday the 13th |
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they give hella awesome slasher bloody gorey horror movies.
and i love them all good.
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| mehh. ehh.. |
[09 May 2005|05:25pm] |
I love my family.
i noticed that the ones in cali always use hella after every word, like thats hella big, or hella nice!
THAT WAS HELLA ANNOYING! >_<
hah i still love them. <3abuleto<3
on thurs. when i was getting ready for the abueleto's viewing, amber calls and tells me she offically dipped from rockville and that we have to be rockstars and have erica tell our story on vh1 behind the music. except, i dont think that goes on nemore o_o
ah yesh i remember now, amber was supposed to take lessons and be really good on the guitar, shame she quit because she had such a pretty one. :(
and shes calls me occassionaly to check up on my geetar skillz, like i'm supposed to make this all happen for her. thats always like amber. hm.
i feel like a bad friend. but its my fault for trying to be all fucking social and get myself into this mess. erin.
and i miss my katie. i miss our talks, our walks, eberything.
This suck forever
..."THERES AN ORGY IN THE WOODS!" that made me hella happy.
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[08 May 2005|10:03pm] |
sk8rpunk182b: i might marry you just so i can party with them8-)
wheeeee
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[06 May 2005|10:30pm] |
last 3 days were ...hard.
i miss abuleto..i miss everything. i wish i could go back.
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| Buried alive by love-H.I.M. |
[01 May 2005|07:47pm] |
Ville Vallo is possibly the hottest sexist finnish person eber alive.
I have dreams about this gorgeous guy. OMFG. its..amazing. almost like. sex just seeing him.
OoOoOH gawd! <3 The Sacrament<3 hah catherine..."Its not fake!"
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| Erin looked so emo yesterday. |
[26 Apr 2005|08:28pm] |
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music |
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I never told you what i do for a living-My Chemical Romance |
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and shes been calling me every minute.
I offically detest Alex for making erin feel that way. and liz for being so in denial and passive.
all this drama shit it pissing me off.
soooo. neways.
canned air is quite fun. adam brought some to skool and he stuck it in my mouth and told me to suck it. i didn't do it rite, its supposed to make you feel all dizzy like, i did it about 5 times because i like the taste of it. ^^
I sound really werid. my throat hurts. haggard dirty warm weather.
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| mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm |
[24 Apr 2005|09:00pm] |
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mood |
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 werid-like. |
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http://www.purevolume.com/june
I like my hair black/blue.
melissa had this sherwood newspaper thingie, and they had this comic in which totally dissed emo kids. poor emo kids. i think they're pretty cute :D
x_x
I'm seriously considering sherwood.
I really love melissa's checkered purse. its nioce.
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| so uh yeah my b-day was yesterday |
[22 Apr 2005|07:19pm] |
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music |
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car underwater-Armour for sleep |
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brady alex virginia karen catherine erin and liz chilled at my house. alex and brady went outside and skated, alex called me a clitoris and avril lagvine because i called him fed. we turned off the lights in my room and watched May. alex and liz made out in closet AND bed. so did me and brady. there was so gonna be an orgy. :)
Fed is wished me a happy happy b-day yesterday nite and asked me if i had sex with brady. heeeeee.
i have a shitload of money. and i'm gonna burn it all tomorrow at the mall. AND BUY THAT PRETTY MCR SHIRT AHHHHHHH.
I thought i was going to die in bible today. i don't like pills much.
I <3 my friends.
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| Look. My socks don't match! |
[10 Apr 2005|05:49pm] |
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music |
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This Photograph is Proof-Taking Back Sunday |
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weekend at catherines. finally bought that Atreyu cd, Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses...I am finally convinced that people are stupid fucks. we can't even sit down in peace without people labeling us. gothics. wtf.
no one understands anything.
but I love catherine's MCR hoodie she brought at the taste of chaos. haha, "TWO PISTOLS..."
I bought brady this incubus poster. he says he got me something from some jewerly store, and his mom suggested he get it for me o_O huh. thats incredible. no one, NO ONE has ever done that for me. wheeeee.
Party Monster is a good movie. crazy club kids.
+They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone
But for what we've become, we just feel more alone
Always weigh what I've lost against what I left
Progress report: I am missing you to death
spicman750: Oh okay. Does your boyfriend play anything?
I seem 2b xdeadX: drums. he used to be in this band
spicman750: I thought so
spicman750: I felt an aura from him about drums
spicman750: Just the name
I seem 2b xdeadX: haha thats cool!
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[05 Apr 2005|06:58pm] |
Gahhhhh sorry Kurdt! Rest in fucking peace <3333333333
+Warped Tour+
http://www.warpedtour.com/pre05/8-10.html
MCR <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
Matchbook Romance <3
Fall out Boy <3
Senses Fail <3
Avenged Sevenfold <3
Bleeding Through <3
Ateryu <3
Motion City Soundtrack <3
Something Corporate <3
yeah brah! :D
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